She is out of my league

"...I just wanted to tell you that, I am falling for you" I typed. Now all I had to do was to hit the send button.

===============================

Life is a pretty amazing thing. You just never know where it takes you. Well life is even more dramatic than those Yash Raj bannered Bollywood movies. Those scenes where lightning strikes just at the sad moment, well trust me it happens. May be its the gods way to say  , "Haha! moron screw you." They say,"whatever that doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." Well thats what life is, learning from mistakes and disappointments and growing stronger(just to be disappointed again). And repeat until death.

But how bland would life be if not for these turning points. If everything went as we planned, life would be boring. If we succeed despite of  those challenges, that victory feels sweeter than ever. So challenges keeps life exciting.But for a lazyass like myself, I dont want a exciting life,  I dont have that much energy to fight and challenge the" mighty life". I am happy with simple, bland,challenge-less life, where all I need is enough food, sleep and nothing else.But -ITS THE F**KING LIFE- doesn't let anyone to live a peacefully. It just has to spice up everyone's life. 

================================

After all those failed relationships and one sided love stories that just wasn't meant to happen, I had decided that I wasn't made for love and neither love was made for me. So, what I had decided  was not to take anyone seriously, flirt with anyone, not to get pulled into the quicksand of this thing called love and live a peaceful happy life. And that was exactly what I was doing. Flirting with every possible girl, laughing till my stomach ached, went out with anyone, it didn't matter to me anymore, no restrictions, no pressure to impress anyone, and most importantly no heart breaks. Yes, loving can hurt. It is the main reason for the heart break. But I was free from the curse, and for the first time in my life I found myself free.

================================

"I think she's got a boyfriend", I told him with the saddest possible tone. "Forget her, she will just be one of your one sided love stories." He replied and continued "Look at yourself man, you cannot get a girl, specially not like her, not even in your dreams". "What the hell do you know about my dreams" I said to myself giving a fierce look to him and said "I know she looks like a princess but..let it be, she's out of my league. I should stop thinking about her."

"Yeah you should. And forget about girls, focus on your career, make an attractive CV and make the dads of those beautiful girls you dream about fall in love with you, they will queue up in your door to ask you to marry their daughters." He said trying to give me the glimmer of hope."stop over thinking, get some fresh air, I'm going home" he said and went out.

Now I was talking to myself,

Stop over thinking, when someone says this you just start doing the opposite. I mean when someone says to not to think about an elephant, an elephant comes to ones mind. That guy in inception told it to Leonardo DiCaprio. I wish I was like him, why did god made me like this. If I was as goodlooking as him, I could get so much better girl than her. But, I don't want anyone else than her. Even if she wasnt as beautiful as she is, I would find her as attractive. Not just her beauty that I had fallen for, it was her personality, our love for same genre of music, same type of food and most importantly same hobbies. The only problem? She is out of my league. How do they decide which league i am in? I mean what does a girl want in her man? One who can make her laugh,check, one who care,check, one who can cook,check, what more? So me not looking as good and as fit as DiCaprio makes me unqualified??Aghhh!! Stop this, don't think about this too much.

How did I even get here? Wasn't I living the cool life? That cool life of not getting into the mess of love? Well it did start like with other girls. All I did was talked to her with no hopes and strings attached. All we did was talked, chatted about our hobbies, our likes and dislikes, our taste in music and that was all. I didn't even hoped that she would talk to me like we did. But as time went by, I realised that she was the perfect one for me. We shared a similar dream, listened to same kind of music, ate same kind of food, well in short she was a female version of myself, but million times prettier. And despite that cool lifestyle, my heart couldn't hold it and all those love came out.

Wasn't I fed up with the relationship stuffs? Wasn't I the one who gave up on love? So why was this feeling there? Why do I , yet again, feel happy, even though I know it will hurt me in the end. I can't even undo it. Music used to heal me, but now, it reminds me of her, all those shared songs, half of my playlist is attached to her in some ways or the other. I know she likes me, like every other time in my past lovestories, but love, I have no hopes of it. 

================================

Every night I talked to her. I never had guts to call her because her voice made me nervous. I could chat with her for hours. I made her laugh trying every possible trick. And when she said goodnight, I said goodnight, I love you, in my mind and just typed gn so that I don't seem so desperate, and cursing myself for being a coward. I made a promise to myself that one day I will.

I had to. She was an angel. That beautiful face, gave me a glimpse of heaven every time I looked at her, that smile of her did eventually made the whole world stop for a while, staring at those eyes were my high. But most beautiful thing about her was her personality, like what I wanted in my perfect dream girl. She was the one from my dreams.

================================

This is too much. I must tell her how I feel about her. So with all the guts I had I wrote a long message.

"Hey! How are you? I wanted to tell you one thing. We've known each other for some time now and I know you might not think the same way. All I want to say is I had a huge crush on you from the very beginning, a crush on your beauty but now I have a crush on your personality. You are what my perfect girl of my dreams was supposed to be. I might not be the best guy you can get, but I know I will dedicate my life to make you happy, and I know you are where my happiness lies. So I just want to tell you that I am falling for you."

All I had to do was hit the send button. She was online., it would be the end of the misery, either I'd get her or lose her. But instead of the enter button my hand pressed the backspace. Deleting every word that I just wrote and I typed "Hi!!"

She replied " hey".

She is out of my league....

Letter to my best friend

Dear pumpkin,

Its been a while that we have not been acting as we used to. Something is wrong, very wrong. I have been acting weird and you seem to be fed up with my actions. May be this will help clear things, specially from my mind.

You say we would have been better if you were with him, may be I can't assure you we wouldn't, you say you dont want to be another Dekxa thapaliya of my life, I assure you, you aren't, you say you dont want me to be just another guy that you had rejected, I will never approach you, had it planned long ago that i wont do that. I assume, as far as my small brain understood, you dont want me to stay fucked up all the time thinking you are busy and concentrate on my studies and work hard. And i know i will work hard this time, its not an option.  You say stop crying for small things, I am working on that. Its not that i dont want to live my life, but now a days its kind of suffocating me, dont know what, may be u talking to that new guy, may be you feel better talking to him because all I do is make u sad, make u angry and disappoint you. I understand that too. I dont want to hurt you neither get hurt. 

All I want to say is I am very happy that u got the job, i must be the most happiest amongst everyone, I always wished your well being and wished your happiness, and will do that forever, I will do anything to make you happy, if i hurt you, i didnt meant to.

 dont know what am i writing. i wanted to write something beautiful for you but this is all i could. i am sorry for every wrong thing i have said to you, i am sorry i made you feel that way,  even your ex didnt made you feel, may be i want all of you to be mine but i know its not possible. I do have one request though, i know everything is falling apart, i aint the same guy  you used to call pustakaari anymore, i know i am losing it. but i think i need you now more that ive ever needed. please dont give up on me.

with loads of love and appologies

yours pustakaari 

May not be fiction

The past few months have been so much different than the last 8 years. 8 years since that 4 am glimpse of you, your ponytail hair, pink shirt, i guess, with your mom and as I saw you I was talking in my head "Oh no!! Not a girl." And if it had not been you, I would have been different, my life would have been different and this story would have been different.

7th grade, she was roll number 65 and me 64. This is where it all started. A simple, talkative girl with the worlds beautiful smile and most generous heart was behind me for the remaining 7th grade. We shared a computer in the lab, and some answers in the exams. I could not have been happier, because it was you, it was that smile, that beautiful face, and that voice. I didn't know it back then but seeing it today I was in love with this girl. And me being not so handsome, not so sweet guy how could i even think of her loving me back. But I always had hope, that one day she will.

Days passed, we grew older, things changed, people around us changed, friend circle changed but the feeling in my  guts after seeing you didn't change. I always wanted to tell you what I felt about you but I think I was waiting for the right time. I mean how could I? That one move could make you stop talking to me. I could not let that happen, no not even in my dreams. So time passed by and we were cool, I never knew your feelings towards me and never shared mine. Just with the hope that one day we'd be together, that one day she will be mine.  

Since you were so gorgeous, even my friends had shown interest towards you. So one of them made the move, before i could ever tell you what I felt, it was my friend that had done it. Although he was rejected and no one was happier than I, but there is no bigger sin than having crush on your friends crush. And I didn't want to go to hell. May be it was a sign god sent so that I'd stop loving you. But I always had hope, that one day you will be mine.

My heart just broke into millions of pieces, when I heard that you liked a boy. I found my eyes getting watery and a weird pain on left side of my chest, it was something new, that pain was something I never felt before. I thought of everything that night. If!! was the only thing in my mind. If I had told what she meant to me earlier may be this day wouldn't have come. If I had gone to the same college, that boy could have been me. But I wanted to go there, only to be rejected, dunno why and how. May be it was another sign god gave me to stop sinking deeper in love. But some part of my broken heart still had hope, that one day she will be mine.

Life is amazing. You never know what will happen in your life next. Life is no different than those in the movies; it can be even more dramatic and unpredictable. Heard she broke up with that guy. It was party time for me. Every cell of my humongous body was happy. Yes God is there. After this, I felt a unique connection with her, one that I never felt before. May be hope is a good thing and may be no good dies in this world. Those times when you smiled and those moments when I stared at you and you said, "What?" and I replied, "nothing". But that nothing meant, "You are the most beautiful thing ever. I love you. I can live my entire life staring at your beautiful face, your beautiful smile. I want to grow old with you. Just say yes and I'll put all the happiness in this entire world in front of you."  God was listening to what I wished. The hope, that one day she will be mine, is coming true.

Life is amazing and you never know what will happen in your life next. I never knew why but you'd changed. I felt that I was just a formality for you now. That sweetness and that care had gone missing all of a sudden. May be it was something I've done. So during the process of trying to get my friend back I did something crazy.

I took her to a fine dining restaurant; the path to the tables was decorated in red roses just for her. She was amazed, shell shocked and excited. The table had a candle, a red one, burning slowly. Then I pulled the chair for her to sit and on my knees I took out the diamond ring from my pocket and asked her, “Will you marry me??” She said yes and the violin began to play, the rose petals fell. We kissed and danced through the night.

Well that was how I imagined how I’ll propose her. But “I love you, I want to grow old with you” was all that I could say and that was in a text, not even face to face. She replied, “No. Nothing between us matches. And I’ve always thought of you as a friend and nothing more.” Shattered and broken. I decided not to talk to her. I had to move on. But how could I, 8 years and now all of a sudden how can I forget her? What about the hope that one day she will be mine?

So many memories shared, the love of my life, I was crazy about you, some part of me still is, but life doesn’t end with one person. A part of me hates you for not loving me, but you will always be the one, my first love, that broke me, that made me a man I am right now, that made me accept the fact that not everything in life goes the way you think and want to, that girl whose smile drove me crazy and it still does. I wish whoever you are with, may he love you more than I ever did, and may he give you all the happiness you deserve. No regrets on loving you.

THE END

My First V-Day

            So, as i had a very charming personality since my childhood, I was always single at Valentines day. But its nothing to be ashamed of is it? How many of you are like me, tell me. By the 1st year in bachelors, yes bachelor, I finally had someone to celebrate Feb 14 with.
             It was a cold cold day as v-day always fell at the time when winter said good bye. Since it was our 1st VD together, we both were excited. We'd planned everything. Where to meet when to meet. She hd me bring a jacket for her. So I did.
              It was Exam that day, Physics was the subject that i had to study earlier that day. But all I could see on those numericals and derivations and those formulas were the time we'd have tomorrow, me and her walking side by side holding hands. All I could do was think the future and smile.
              Exam day. I had no preparation for the exam. All I could do was write some important formulas on the desk before the exam started. And since i dont have that super genius brain of a movie hero, Exam didnt go well. I had no answers to the questions, 1 hour was sufficient for me to write my name, roll no. , etc and submit my answer sheet. So I had an hour to spare from my scheduled time.
              So, What do you do if you have an hour to spare on valentines day? All I could think was play football. Who in the hell can say no to football? The day was dedicated to love, and this beautiful game and me were in love from my childhood. Pull out my jacket, put my glasses and phone into my bag n started kicking the ball. After 45 mins or so, we we knocked out. I grabbed my cell to give her a call, only to see about 8-9 missed calls from her. Ooops!! I got a chill through my spine. She'd been trying my number for 30 mins? I didnt felt this bad even when we conceded that goal that knocked us out. So I washed my face and as quickly as i could, i took my sweaty body to her college.
               There she was waiting for me. I knew she didn't like to wait. But she was controlling her frustration some how. She gave me my phone back. we'd swapped our mobile phones coz her friend had to give her a gift, and the Bluetooth on her cell didnt worked so she took mine. So I asked what did he sent? She showed me a pic. It was some love shaped drawings on a black background with his and her name written on the largest heart. The first thought that came to my mind was that's it??Then I realised something that i should have realise atleast one hour ago, that would have made this story a totally different one. She had a smile on her face, after seeing that pic. She said My first Valentine gift.
    I was like what the hell? Beeeeep Beeeeeeeeeeeeep beeep beeeeeep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep to my self. That smile should have been due to you, you moron.
                   You had an whole hour to spare, to go to the gift shop right by your college gate, grab a nice piece of gift, wrap it in a gift paper full of love signs or balloons, and write a shor message "Happy V-day" with her name on it and a love sign and a semicolon and an astrix. But no, all you could think about when you've got an hour was football.  IDIOT.
              Now you are standing infront of your 1st valentine, with empty hands. Yes she did say not to bring roses as we werent lovers but best buddies, but at least you could have brought a chocolate. Girls love chocolates man.
             Anyways we did enjoyed each others company that day. She got me a pair of guitar picks. My first ones.  I dropped her home and she did wore the jacket i brought for her. Finally 17 years without a valentine, that run was ended that day. I've never been alone in V day since. Today I'm waiting for her, for out 10th vday together. I still dont have a rose in my hand. I've got a bournville, our brand of chocolate. She always said she loved this chocolate because the one i gave to her never tasted bitter. The only thing different about today and the past 8 years, 1st had a different story one u've already heard , is that I've got a daimond ring in my pocket. Hope she says yes.
                               

A Walk

                     LO-VE, just a four letter word. Thats all i thought about love. packing my bag and exiting from my home. Bye mom. "You've got money right??" Yeah i said and went out.

                     I never believed one can fall in love, like those love stories shown in the movies. Yeah movies were the only place LOVE  existed. Isn't it just lust or that sexual attraction??When I see a girl [i mean with a beautiful face] while walking, i slip, I fall in love, and that's till i see another one of those god's creation that give a reason for a man to stay clean.

                    Thinking this i took my phone from my pocket to plug in my earphone and i saw her missed call . Just couldn't stop smiling. As time passes, we grow up and experience life, many things happen. many people come and go. Some stay for season some for a reason and some for the rest of your life. And I had this feeling on my stomach that this girl had come to stay for ever.

                    That boy who used to tease his friends for being in love, now had no idea where his heart was. Now LOVE was more than a four letter word to me. The boy who didn't bother to call his friends until he'd to ask for a DVD or a note copy, sent sms only to wish new year or  birthdays, is now having a four hour phone conversation with a girl. And only thing we'd talk were about curry we'd, and still it sounded much more logical. I'd got someone to share everything, what i ate what i did that day, what what happened in college, everything. she'd even guess my mood by my tone. I couldn't even lie, and that was all i ever wanted. I guess god had listened to my prayers. Every time i felt alone she'd just come to me, stay by my side and i felt alone no more. She had a solution to every problem, and for me that was her smile. It made my day. Her voice, her laugh and whenever i teased her, her angry scolding were the best sound one can listen. And when she gets angry, for real, you'd try your best to make her smile. I'd trust my life on her hands.

                   What am I doing? Phone in one hand and earphone hanging from my pocket? Everyone walking around me were staring. I plugged in my earphone, kept it inside my shirt, made it look tidy and started the music player, so it was Jason Mraz I'm Yours. The same song we'd listened together for the first time. It was a cold day, though the sun was shining. We'd went out for the first time, i mean alone, i mean both of us only. After having some lunch we'd gone to the hilltop to see the sun set. Dont know why she wasnt in the right mood. I just knew it though she said she was fine. So we sat on a bench, side by side, she kept her head on my shoulder and said why she had been sad. "There is a girls head on my shoulder???" "wow she trust me" I'd never felt that way. She was telling her story. and out of nowhere i held her arm tightly. She looked at me and smiled an again leaned on my shoulder. Then we kept on talking and watched the sunset. We walked home and near her home i gave my hand to shake and say bye. She said,"Are we business men to shake hands???" and gave me a tight hug. i could even feel her heart beat. "WOW! The best feeling I'd ever had." with a big smile she said Bye. I'd never wanted that day to end.

               "Aaaaam yooooursss "Song ended. Why am I thinking this? I'd even missed the chorus. "What is happening to you?" i asked myself. And kept on walking. Then yet again it was her on my mind,  Those were the days, had nothing to worry about, we'd live near see each other everyday though we were not in the same college. You'd move so far away, its even harder to see each other. Its harder because i cannot share my things with you, and its more harder because whenever you need me, i'm not there.This burning feeling in my heart not being able to see you, your beautiful smile that made my day, made my troubles go away, kills me everyday. And from the day that boy of your class proposed you, my temper had gone bad to worst these days. I'd ask god why?? Why was this happening? Missed you so bad, each day, each hour, each minute each second i was living. Why was this pain in my chest, like someone was continuously poking me in my heart with a thumb pin But finally I was going to meet her.

                 So singing the only song I could play on my guitar , I saw her standing there, brown cowboy boots, black woolen sweater, a jeans and open long hair, with a mixed emotion of anger and happiness. She waved at me and i waved back with a big smile on my face. Just couldn't stop smiling, After 5 months she was there in front of me. As i reached her, she scolded me,"Couldn't you come on time??" And there she was, the most beautiful view my eyes could see, screaming at me, the most beautiful sound my ears could hear, I was so pleased to see her. I paused for a minute, n said sorry, then she gave me a tight hug and with her in my arms , we went to our favorite cafe to have our special pastry.

                     

LO-ve

                                                LO-ve????    

"This is an entry into the KTM Blog Competition"

                      

LOVE!!!!!! A magical word they say, but is it????? Even oxford dictionary has 10 different meaning... So, thought why not try to define it, based on my 17 long years in this earth. After about two decades, the word "Love" makes me think about the relationship between a girl n a boy........ forget about the love of parents, brothers, sis, teachers bla bla....So why define about other kinds of love rather than love betwn gal n a boy?????


Whats love???? Well its the thing that makes you write her name by blade in your wrist??? naa i call it crazy... its that thing that makes you stop smoking coz she said so.... you wait for her for 3 hrs alone in rain coz she hadnt brought an umbrella, you tell your friend to move on n u got work to do just because u want to be wid her, you see her face in the book rather than the text, all you pray in classes is for the school to end quickly and you could see her in your tution classes,tution classes seemed so long when she wasnt there n so short when c was there, practical classes made you ecxited as u could sit beside her.. Ur frn says "aayo oe micro jam..." n all becoz c aint there to go wid you, you say "hya last seat nai 6aina arko aaihal6 ni.." ur mood is off when c is sad, n do every possible thing to make her smile... that smile remained in ur mind till you fall asleep.. you keep on turning back for about 50 times saying bye bye wid a big smile bt neva wanted to leave..u take long path for school coz c comes the same way... you hope to see her each time you go through her neighborhood.. you use ur 12 years old brain to calculate the day when you will be by her side in the rows due to rotation, you dnt bring umbrella in intense sun coz u know c will bring it pray u cld hold it.... you say u dont have any sheets to a friend, but u got like 10 in ur bag, coz u kept it for her so dat c wont get any trouble getting it.. you feel so jealous when you get busy tone while calling her.. you feel that the love story you are watching is based on your true story... so similar is the case... its a fictional lekh, ali ali ta tmi sanga pani milyo holani??? And I know you Yes you will definately like this note... coz we are also in love.... say bonded by the most strongest species of love...n thats the love of FRIENDSHIP:)