Letter to my best friend

Dear pumpkin,

Its been a while that we have not been acting as we used to. Something is wrong, very wrong. I have been acting weird and you seem to be fed up with my actions. May be this will help clear things, specially from my mind.

You say we would have been better if you were with him, may be I can't assure you we wouldn't, you say you dont want to be another Dekxa thapaliya of my life, I assure you, you aren't, you say you dont want me to be just another guy that you had rejected, I will never approach you, had it planned long ago that i wont do that. I assume, as far as my small brain understood, you dont want me to stay fucked up all the time thinking you are busy and concentrate on my studies and work hard. And i know i will work hard this time, its not an option.  You say stop crying for small things, I am working on that. Its not that i dont want to live my life, but now a days its kind of suffocating me, dont know what, may be u talking to that new guy, may be you feel better talking to him because all I do is make u sad, make u angry and disappoint you. I understand that too. I dont want to hurt you neither get hurt. 

All I want to say is I am very happy that u got the job, i must be the most happiest amongst everyone, I always wished your well being and wished your happiness, and will do that forever, I will do anything to make you happy, if i hurt you, i didnt meant to.

 dont know what am i writing. i wanted to write something beautiful for you but this is all i could. i am sorry for every wrong thing i have said to you, i am sorry i made you feel that way,  even your ex didnt made you feel, may be i want all of you to be mine but i know its not possible. I do have one request though, i know everything is falling apart, i aint the same guy  you used to call pustakaari anymore, i know i am losing it. but i think i need you now more that ive ever needed. please dont give up on me.

with loads of love and appologies

yours pustakaari 

May not be fiction

The past few months have been so much different than the last 8 years. 8 years since that 4 am glimpse of you, your ponytail hair, pink shirt, i guess, with your mom and as I saw you I was talking in my head "Oh no!! Not a girl." And if it had not been you, I would have been different, my life would have been different and this story would have been different.

7th grade, she was roll number 65 and me 64. This is where it all started. A simple, talkative girl with the worlds beautiful smile and most generous heart was behind me for the remaining 7th grade. We shared a computer in the lab, and some answers in the exams. I could not have been happier, because it was you, it was that smile, that beautiful face, and that voice. I didn't know it back then but seeing it today I was in love with this girl. And me being not so handsome, not so sweet guy how could i even think of her loving me back. But I always had hope, that one day she will.

Days passed, we grew older, things changed, people around us changed, friend circle changed but the feeling in my  guts after seeing you didn't change. I always wanted to tell you what I felt about you but I think I was waiting for the right time. I mean how could I? That one move could make you stop talking to me. I could not let that happen, no not even in my dreams. So time passed by and we were cool, I never knew your feelings towards me and never shared mine. Just with the hope that one day we'd be together, that one day she will be mine.  

Since you were so gorgeous, even my friends had shown interest towards you. So one of them made the move, before i could ever tell you what I felt, it was my friend that had done it. Although he was rejected and no one was happier than I, but there is no bigger sin than having crush on your friends crush. And I didn't want to go to hell. May be it was a sign god sent so that I'd stop loving you. But I always had hope, that one day you will be mine.

My heart just broke into millions of pieces, when I heard that you liked a boy. I found my eyes getting watery and a weird pain on left side of my chest, it was something new, that pain was something I never felt before. I thought of everything that night. If!! was the only thing in my mind. If I had told what she meant to me earlier may be this day wouldn't have come. If I had gone to the same college, that boy could have been me. But I wanted to go there, only to be rejected, dunno why and how. May be it was another sign god gave me to stop sinking deeper in love. But some part of my broken heart still had hope, that one day she will be mine.

Life is amazing. You never know what will happen in your life next. Life is no different than those in the movies; it can be even more dramatic and unpredictable. Heard she broke up with that guy. It was party time for me. Every cell of my humongous body was happy. Yes God is there. After this, I felt a unique connection with her, one that I never felt before. May be hope is a good thing and may be no good dies in this world. Those times when you smiled and those moments when I stared at you and you said, "What?" and I replied, "nothing". But that nothing meant, "You are the most beautiful thing ever. I love you. I can live my entire life staring at your beautiful face, your beautiful smile. I want to grow old with you. Just say yes and I'll put all the happiness in this entire world in front of you."  God was listening to what I wished. The hope, that one day she will be mine, is coming true.

Life is amazing and you never know what will happen in your life next. I never knew why but you'd changed. I felt that I was just a formality for you now. That sweetness and that care had gone missing all of a sudden. May be it was something I've done. So during the process of trying to get my friend back I did something crazy.

I took her to a fine dining restaurant; the path to the tables was decorated in red roses just for her. She was amazed, shell shocked and excited. The table had a candle, a red one, burning slowly. Then I pulled the chair for her to sit and on my knees I took out the diamond ring from my pocket and asked her, “Will you marry me??” She said yes and the violin began to play, the rose petals fell. We kissed and danced through the night.

Well that was how I imagined how I’ll propose her. But “I love you, I want to grow old with you” was all that I could say and that was in a text, not even face to face. She replied, “No. Nothing between us matches. And I’ve always thought of you as a friend and nothing more.” Shattered and broken. I decided not to talk to her. I had to move on. But how could I, 8 years and now all of a sudden how can I forget her? What about the hope that one day she will be mine?

So many memories shared, the love of my life, I was crazy about you, some part of me still is, but life doesn’t end with one person. A part of me hates you for not loving me, but you will always be the one, my first love, that broke me, that made me a man I am right now, that made me accept the fact that not everything in life goes the way you think and want to, that girl whose smile drove me crazy and it still does. I wish whoever you are with, may he love you more than I ever did, and may he give you all the happiness you deserve. No regrets on loving you.

THE END